But aren’t your kids your purpose?

Jun 30

Somewhere along the lines of motherhood., or perhaps just in society, we have managed to create an expectation that once you become a mother you seem to stop existing as anything else. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, and I would do anything for them…. but recently I was asked why I wanted to work when my kids were young, especially if I didn’t technically have to. He said “but aren’t your kids your purpose now?” when I began stating why I got the Education that I did and explaining what I love about working…… I almost immediately felt the tremendous amount of “mom guilt” set in, and the fear of judgement for not wanting to be at home with my kids. Yes its true, they are a PART of my purpose but to be very honest, they aren’t the only piece of me that matters, and I think we have to start talking about that more and also making it ok that mothers who work; both in and out of the home, aren’t less than because someone else helps raise their tiny humans, and those who work in the home, recognized for the incredibly difficult job they do 24/7.

You see when we see incredible women doing BIG things like being the CEO of a company we love to ship at, a celebrity in their space that we enjoy what they are producing, or creating opportunities for others in the work place, we dont often hear the world telling THOSE women they should just be at home raising their children…. we applaud them, we empower them… but when it comes to the average every day mom, we seem to have decided that her place is with her children, unless she is doing something really grand and exciting for the rest of the world.

I am absolutely a mother and on any given day my kids would trump anything else going on in my life. But I am so many other things at the same time. I’m a wife. A military spouse. I have a Masters degree that I earned while raising two young kids and pregnant with a 3rd. I am a business owner. I am a champion of other women. I am a self love advocate and a post partum depression survivor. I am a writer. I am the queen of returning things to Target. I am funny. I am a retired teacher. I am the biggest diet dr pepper fan. I am a friend….

I am so much more than “just a mom.”

So friends here it is….. if you havent figured it out yet…. I suppose its time for a little life update, and quite honestly, what I want to write wont possibly fit in a little caption box on instagram, and I feel this hot topic isnt one that needs to be trimmed down.

If you havent noticed my time on instagram stories has been far less frequent Monday - Friday … and more specifically during the day. If you have really been paying attention and you’ve been around the #7FC for awhile…. you may have also noticed my normal uniform of just gotten out of bed hair, 3 day old dirty shirts with leggings, and no makeup for days look has been MIA as well.

So here it goes… the big news…. that I have been more than reluctant to share on the interwebs…. where I’ve been….

I went back to work.

GASP I know…. maybe some of you had already put two and two together or just figured I had recently learned how to adult a little bit better while not looking like a total train wreck. But I actually started working at the beginning of May. And honestly, the transition hasn’t been smooth, for any of us. So in order to get to that part I think we need to back track a little here and talk about another subject matter that for some reason society has made us feel bad for saying out loud… but you know me…. I’m gonna say it.

I never wanted to be a stay at home mom.

In the summer of 2019 I was gearing up for my 3rd year in my admin role at the school I worked for. I was excited. I had two years of this responsibility under my belt, I was removed from the classroom and I was really excited for what the future of my career looked like. I’ve always worked. Often 2-3 jobs because I have always supported myself. Working is in my blood. It gives me something to look forward to every day and has taught me so much about the world and what role I want to play in peoples’ every day lives. I would like to think I have a pretty strong work ethic, and while I am not perfect, when something is my job I do it 10000%.

I remember the day Matt came home and told me he would be leaving to serve on the Southwest Border Mission. I was so proud of him and nervous all at once. The reality of raising 3 kids solo seemed intense, but it’s me, I balance things ALL OF THE TIME, I have 37 arms and can hire the best of the best when it comes to babysitters for extra hands, and I have no shame in that McDonalds dinner game.

I’ve freaking got this…

Until I realized I was pregnant. And it hit me….. that while I can do MOST things solo; balancing my career, the needs of 3 kids missing their dad, a business, and a newborn…. I might be in over my head. Matt and I prayed, I cried… A LOT…. and together we decided, during this season of our lives, I would resign. I knew the minute I did it, what I was giving up, I knew how difficult it would be to get back to where I was, and I somehow just had to be ok with it. I tried to keep looking forward to all I would gain being available for the kids, not having to feel like I was choosing between my job and my kids…. And I kept thinking honestly…..

How hard could staying home possibly be?

I mean surely it’s just watching shows, taking naps, few crafts, making a couple car trips to drop off and pick up, couple of rounds of laundry here and there….. snacks. WHO DOESNT LOVE SNACKS? And there it is. The stereotypical thought of a stay at home mom and the age old question “what exactly do you do all day” I’m here to admit I was one of those women. The working kind. The one that had it all figured out and maybe subconsciously thought I was too educated, too driven…. too whatever…. to stay home with my kids. So here it is, my public apology for everything I had ever thought or said about stay at home moms before I became one. The mental, emotional, physical task that being home with my kids has been the last 2 years very honest, very transparently…

It’s the hardest job I have ever had.

Granted, I was home during one of the hardest seasons in general (Covid) but I truly underestimated the job of being home with my kids…. 24 hours a day …. 7 days a week. There is no beginning or end. There is no punching the time clock. There is no lunch with friends on a whim… and the lack of adult interaction and conversation - well lets just say I’ve awkwardly made noises at people to get their attention more times then I would like to admit. I would like to add that for all the things being a stay at home mom wasn’t for me, I do want to take a moment to highlight all that it was. It was amazing to not worry about who was taking Parker to his appointments, or carrying the weight of feeling like I was failing at my job because I needed to pick a kid up. The relief of being able to participate at their schools and meet them at the bus stop at the end of the day brought me a tremendous amount of joy. The simplicity of the snuggles with Tripp in the morning before I took him to preschool, the laughs, the tears, it was all me, and it was all good. I truly believe the reason I didnt suffer from post depression after Preston was born was because I didnt have the anxiety and pressure of a ticking time bomb of having to return to work in 6-8 weeks post partum. And while none of this is ever anything I imagined for my fast pace, career climbing self….

I am so incredibly thankful

for the opportunity to have been home with them when they needed me most while their dad was away and their lives were turned upside down. I know not everyone gets to do that. I know more women are balancing home and work life more than ever… and I know there are SO so so many women out there who would give anything to be at home with their babies. And so I don’t want you to think that I don’t appreciate the time, all of the first moments with Preston that I got to experience… all the giggles and hugs. The pressure being taken off…. I do. But I also want to be ok with saying this…

staying home with them…. isn’t my dream

Somewhere along the lines… we have made staying home synonymous with being a good mother… that only those who are willing to sacrifice themselves or their careers for their children are doing it best. And i Just dont believe that to be true. What I do believe to be true is we as a society have undermined and downplayed the important role and the incredibly exhausting job of being at home with our kids. And we have also managed to create an expectation that it must be one or the other…. you can be a good mom and stay at home…. or you can work and be mediocre at best. But we’re leaving out some really important details. Going to work is the very definition of being a good mom. I briefly mentioned that over the years Matt and I have struggled financially. When I found out we were moving here and that life would be relatively simple in terms of his current role in the Army, it seemed like an opportunity to get back at it… and even more so it seemed like an opportunity to not only work, but to just maybe finally CATCH UP on the financial piece we have been very slowly picking at over the last couple of years. Which means I am in fact thinking of my kids, their future, and what we would be able to do for them that we havent been able to do in the past.

I loved working. In fact until I stayed home because of Matt’s deployment not only did I work but I ran two business’ too. I loved climbing the “ladder” if you will and I have always enjoyed meeting new people and serving in Education. I was presented an opportunity via Linkedin and the immediate anxiety I felt was intense because I began to feel like I would either be judged for not wanting to stay home any more, or, that I was failing my kids because I wanted to go back to work, especially during a time of huge transition (hello moving across the country). So I have quietly been carrying this with me, and the load has been very heavy.

I don’t balance everything well,

I miss emails, I forget to text back, I forget to do the things I say I am going to do. But since returning to work…. my kids are at the door waiting for my when I get home - and they are excited to see me, and VERY honestly… I am excited to see them. For the first time in a couple of years, I am welcomed home with hugs and kisses and we have conversations about our days. The truth is, leaving my house to work, to serve others, to make money, IS a part of my purpose as a mother. It’s teaching them that you can be more than one thing. It’s providing them a good life, and easing the financial burden in our family. It’s not to say I will work forever, or there wont be another season that calls for me to be home with them again. But for now, for this season, I am so glad to not only be back at work, but to have the opportunity to transition my career to higher education, which was always the dream.

At the end of the day motherhood isnt what makes us who we are. I would argue very strongly being a mom is some of the very best parts of me, and I love my children fiercely. But I also love myself… and know that working, even in the moments I miss them so much it hurts, is not only bettering their life, it’s bettering mine.

So whether you are a stay at home mom, work from home mom, or are working out side of the home - no matter your circumstances or whether you have control of the situation or not… I want to remind you….